I have an eating disorder… I’m more than self-conscious. And I agreed to go swimming…. great.


I don’t write on this blog often. I write when I have something to say and I don’t have the balls to verbalize it. Or I write when I feel like it’s the end of the world. Tonight, it’s both. Sitting here in the room, spending the night by myself. Makes me …. silent. I can’t breathe. I’ve shut down. This is not the first time this has happen. Your poison and your vices are never enough for you. Taking it out on me is what keeps you sane. I went into a full-fledged panic attack. I have never experienced that before. Have someone literally tell you all the reasons why they hate you and think you’re the reason they’ve tried to kill themselves… maybe you’ll find yourself in the pit I am in. That little voice inside my head that tells me to puke completely stopped. Do you want to know why? Because you became it. This is the worst it’s ever gotten. And guess what? I’m the emotionally abusive one. I’m the one who says all these terrible things in your sick and twisted little fantasy. I’m the one who apparently has never apologized or even taken a moment to understand the clarity of a situation.

In reality, I’m cornered. Having someone breathe down my neck telling them I’m the reason they want to kill themselves. I’m the reason they’re fucking cutting themselves. All because I’ve been silent. To keep it from escalating. That if I don’t undress myself he will leave me. If I don’t hug him he’ll leave me. Every fucking thing leads to him leaving me. And that’s supposed to be okay. Well it’s not. This is not okay.

Getting mad at someone for not spending time with you is okay. Telling someone they’re a cold hearted bitch is not okay. Giving someone an ultimatum for blowing you off is okay. Hitting yourself to release aggression is not. To say I wish you would stay home is okay. To jokingly say my boyfriend is drunk I might kill him is okay. Cornering your girlfriend in the bathroom while growling in her ear that you will kill yourself because she won’t hug you is not okay. Describing every word of it in utter detail is abuse. And you are an alcoholic.

I am not my mother’s daughter. I will not put myself through this kind of mental torture, for simply keeping you to your word.

I will not be my mother.

I will not be my mother.

I will not be your mother either.

Avatar: The Last Airbender

(Source: greenleafpan)

I can not describe to you what my life is like having no sense of identity. My crisis is always happening. And I no longer want to be on the verge of mental collapse. I don’t want to mentally detach from myself with little to no feelings. Yes there is one constant feeling of love but nevertheless i act on instinct. And it hurts everyone around me.



would you like some cream cheese on your beagle

keep your cream cheese away from my dog


Oh gosh I’m starting to really trust you and this is terrifying.